|Captured from his website!|
I've done a lot of reading and studying on how to make my contribution to my marriage healthy and nurturing. Today, one aspect I've never really pinned down was brought to mind when I read:
Give Up Now—You Will NEVER Stay Married to the Same Person(Click title to read Zack's profound article.)
This Zack guy makes a great point:
"That “illusion” that WE have already done most of our changing in life is as scientifically and rationally ridiculous as the “illusion” that we are marrying someone for the rest of our lives."
He's right! People learn how to be married from the married adults they observe as they grow up. Or, at least, we think we have learned it, by the time we are old enough to "know everything" and are ready to jump the broom with Miss or Mister Perfect.
However, even if we have observed examples of couples who seem like they've been best friends forever who stayed married till death did them part, or if our examples were of contentious couples who ended up divorcing and hating each other or at the very best becoming civil co-parents, until we have lived it, we are only imagining what marriage is like.
Imagining is all we can do until we actually have our own feet in our own married boots. It doesn't matter who you are or where you came from, you and your new spouse's boots are not always going to be frolicking in fields of daisies. Sometimes those two pairs of boots are going to get rain in them because someone didn't take the time do up the laces. Sometimes, the trail will be dusty, or muddy, or maybe there will be pouring of cement, which requires a good rinsing off or you end up with concrete boots. A lot of times, one person may need to pick up the other person and carry him or her, because their feet are blistered and sore.
Over years and years of travel, those two pairs of boots have weathered together. They've achieved that lovely, very cool looking patina which everyone with brand-new boots admires.
The point is, those two pairs of boots stayed together. They ended up looking very different than the day they jumped the broom, but they're still together.
Zack's point is, the person you marry today will not be the same person in twenty years. He references the TED talk Dan Gilbert: The Psychology of Your Future Self. I like what he has to say about the "ease of remembering versus the difficulty of imagining."
The important thing to know about marriage is that you AREN'T all grown up just because you're getting married. You and your new, and now most important best friend, are going to continue to grow up and marriage is growing up TOGETHER.
We must get this through our heads and then get it into the heads of our children. Family is central to the Plan of Happiness. As such, it is where the adversary focuses his efforts. There will be many straws heaped upon the camel's back. Each individual will have their limit. Any of us may one day be faced with the feeling that this is the final straw. It happens. And it's one of the toughest decisions an adult may face. Breaking up a family creates ripples that ebb out for years and years. Can a person recover? Yes. A wife whose husband broke his promises to her can recover. Sure, the children who watched him leave their mother for another woman, who now plays another prominent role in their lives, might possibly make it through without major issues. A husband who fought hard to keep his wife happy and ended up losing her anyway, may finally make peace with it and move on.
Sure. Humans are resilient. If nothing else.
BUT, by divine design, families are meant to be a castle, in which, the king adores and reveres his queen. In which, the queen rules side by side with her king. In which, the children watch their parents strive to live moral, true, unselfish lives dedicated to showing forth love to each other and to their children. Dedicated to serving God and His purposes.
I know what it's like to fight for marriage and family. It's a different kind of fight than any you'll see in a movie or TV show. It involves charity and the pure love of Christ.